Coming Out

My name is Dennis Coyle. When I wrote this story, I had just come Out at 34. I am gay. But until the summer of 1998, I wasn't able to say that outloud. Now, even my car is Out. Click here to see my personalized license plate!

Unlike many young men today, I didn't out myself at a young age. I'm writing this story mostly for men and women who, like me, for various reasons didn't or couldn't come out at an earlier age. It's a different decision and process for each of us. Here's my story. I tried to keep it short, but keep in mind I'm condenscing 34 years into a few paragraphs. (And a very special thanks to those who had the strength to come out before me...the only reason I was finally able do it myself is because of those who came out over the last few decades. I owe you a huge debt.)

I was born and raised in a large Roman Catholic family, the youngest of seven children. I grew up in a small town in Maryland a few hours from Washington, DC. I can remember noticing men when I was as young as five or six years old. By the time I was twelve, I had a pretty good idea that I was gay and it terrified me. It went against everything I had been taught. But I could never get over the feelings I had for other boys so spent my teenage years in constant fear someone would find out I was a "sinner" or not "normal". Going to a Catholic high school just made it worse. I had absolutely no access to any information on homosexuals, except for the occasional stereotypes I saw on television or the "information" I learned from my church and school. In the late 70's and early 80's, we didn't have anything like the Internet. I had no information on what it meant to be gay. Needless to say, I was just as confused as anyone...and at the time still believed I could change. When I graduated high school in 1982, I still had no idea that there was no choice in being gay. And it being the early stages of the AIDS crisis, I just crawled deeper into the closet.

I had my first sexual experience the summer I turned 19. I'm not going to go into detail. My hometown didn't have any gay bars, organizations, or any resources that I knew of so enounters like the first were all I knew about gay life for years.

I finished college (still in a small town, near where I grew up) and moved to the Washington DC area. It took me awhile to actually venture into the city and experience a gay bar, but I did do it a few times. This went on for four years until I moved away for graduate school. Those years were so busy, working and studying full-time, that I didn't get out much. By this time, I had myself convinced that I was bisexual even though I never dated women.

I finished grad school and moved back to the Washington, DC area. I spent five more frustrating years in the closet, having casual encounters from time to time, but hiding that part of my life from everyone. I did have a few gay friends, but didn't really know them well. I avoided getting too involved as I had no intention of ever leaving the imagined safety of the closet.

A few years before I came out, I met a woman that I thought might finally be The One I was waiting for and we dated for a few months before I finally faced reality and broke up with her. I finally came out to myself at age 31 and admitted that I was not bisexual but gay. Still, it was over three years more that I spent in the closet. Rather silly if you do the math....I spent 15 years with men, all the while telling myself I was bi. The depths of our denial never cease to amaze me, but I'm very glad I finally accepted the truth of who I am.

OK, fastforward to early 1998. I had just started a new job. Since I had been in the closet, I never even talked much with the openly gay men at my old job. But one of them was drop dead gorgeous so after I changed jobs I e-mailed him and asked if he was seeing anyone. I also asked that he not mention I was asking. Never heard from the guy. Oh, well....he was cute but too young for me anyway.

So I wasn't surprised when, about four months later, I got an e-mail from my former manager telling me she'd heard an interesting rumor about me. Well, one thing surprised me...that it took nearly four months for the rumor to get back to me. I knew when I asked that cute guy if he wanted to go out that he wouldn't keep it a secret. A roundabout way to start outing myself, but it worked.

I replied "rumors are usually based in fact. If you'd asked me if I was gay, I would have told you."

That was the start of my active process of coming out. I started telling all my friends, real life and online. And so far I've had only one negative reaction. My closest friend, who knew I considered myself bi, couldn't accept the fact I went public and stopped hiding. He's no longer a part of my life, but that's his problem, not mine. One of my oldest friends hadn't even suspected, but she doesn't care one bit. Turns out we have similar tastes in men so we have more fun than even now.

In the autumn of 1998, I told one of my sisters. I was braced for the worst, but it turns out most of the family already suspected. Not that it was easy....my sister wasn't ready to talk about it much, but did agree to read some information from the PFLAG web site. I can't recommend this group enough. Anyone needing information for themselves or their friends and family should know about PFLAG. A few days after I told my sister, she wrote me that she'd started reading the information and realized she had a lot of learning to do. It felt so good to hear that.

For the first few months, while I had stopped hiding I didn't really do much about changing my life. While few people have been surprised, I'm far from stereotypical. I don't dress "gay", most of my CDs and videos aren't on any Gay Top 10 lists (though I'm slowly updating that fact...). I do live alone with three cats and I'm a great cook, but I hear there are actually straight men like that.

Then Matthew Shephard died and I felt numb. I'd hidden for so long and felt I needed to get involved.

I was reading the local gay newspaper, The Washington Blade, and saw a mention of an Arlington group for gays and lesbians. I found AGLA's web page and immediately mailed them a check for membership. A few weeks later, I attended a New Member Welcome happy hour and I couldn't believe how right it felt. After a few beers, I even admitted that I' was a professional technical writer/web designer and had the webmaster and newsletter editor asking me if I'd like to help them. To make a long story short, within a month I had redesigned AGLA's web site and started helping with editing and review of the monthly newsletter. I've been to Capitol Hill and the state house in Richmond lobbying for gay rights. I joined the DC chapter of PFLAG and the Human Rights Campaign. (HRC) Life was a lot less hectic in the closet, but I wouldn't change a thing that's happened.

Updates:

February 1999. A week after I did a mass mailing to raise money for the AIDS Ride, my mother called me and asked me if I'm HIV+. I'm not, but I did finally admit to her that I am gay. She took it better than I expected but still has a way to go. But that's not unusual. Since she knew, I went ahead and told all my brothers and sisters and the reaction has been good. Not only do they not care, they're glad I'm finally living my life and not hiding. Not a single one of them was surprised. Even my adult nieces and nephews all know, and none of them are upset about it. All those years of hiding (apparently not as well as I thought) and worrying....for no reason.

Summer 2000. Well, from the note you saw before the only "girlfriend" I ever had is now very happy with her partner. My parents are still struggling, but it's getting easier. I've been seeing the same person off and on for close to two years. Last July, I took Dave home with me to my family reunion. The first time in my family's history that a same-sex date was ever at a family function. And it went quite well. At least, if anyone did have a problem with it I've not heard about it. Even Dave had a great time.

And since I told my siblings, the youngest of my brothers and his wife have told their two older children, now 14 and 12 but they found out the truth about Uncle Dennis nearly a year ago. Neither one cares. In fact, my 14 year old niece shared a hot tub with her mom, Dave, and me at the reunion and we had a great conversation.

Winter 2001. Parents are doing even better, but I don't get home to visit very often. My volunteering schedule keeps me very busy, so what time I have to spend with Dave I like to spend with him. We've now been together (off and on) for a little over three years. We're going to Ft. Lauderdale for New Years.

Spring 2002. Parents still about the same. Siblings also, though I'm guessing my siblings are also dealing with the fact our parents are still trying to understand and no one wants to be caught in the middle. Lesbian ex "girlfriend" and her partner bought a house together last year. Busier than ever with the AIDSRide. And still with Dave, now over three and a half years and more on than off. Our vacation in Ft. Lauderdale was wonderful.

Winter 2003. Not much change with the parents. Found out some of the family isn't as accepting as I thought, but the sibling that told me won't identify who. Haven't traveled home much lately so it hasn't been much of an issue. Still friends with Dave, but I've been single since September 2002.

Spring 2004. I really should update this more often. Moved in with Dave Autumn of 2003 while looking for a new apartment. We ended up back together-guess it pays to stay friends with exes. Now he's a full-time student again and I'm helping to support both of us. We can't get married, but we're happy. Not much real change with the family but Dave's family couldn't be more supportive. His two year old niece calls me Uncle Dennis. (At first it was Uncle Denvid to include obth of us. Two yearolds are adorable.) Found out my parents won't let me bring Dave home and use a guest room because of advice from their Catholic priest. Their choice, but since they chose their religion over their youngest son I just don't go home often.

Fall 2004. Dave and I are going to my parents for Thanksgiving, but staying in a hotel. (It's just easier.) One of my brothers told me that he didn't need my e-mail address because he is a "christin" (his spelling). Luckily, that brother won't be at our parents' house for Thanksgiving. One or two other non-fans will be but that's their problem, not mine. If my parents want me to visit, it's a package deal.

Spring 2005. Another overdue update. Thanksgiving was wonderful. We stayed at a hotel, as much because of the continuing ban and Dave and I over night at my parents house but also because it was more comfortable. Dave isn't from a large family. The hotel was a haven for both of us.

We're as busy as ever, still active with AGLA and Partisans and Democratic politics. My "christian" brother IM'd me tonight; thought I had him blocked. Here's what my "brother" thinks of me.

Nice, eh? Well, only one bigot out of 6 sibs and 11 nieces and nephews. Could be worse, though he has caused more rifts in the family that wouldn't be there without his influence. Even some sibs on my side have asked me to find a mid point for our parents sake, but when I think about how well Dave's family has treated me for years I can't do that. Sometimes, it has to be one or the other. Luckily, the bigot brother doesn't live nearby. But, I've already told my family that anytime the bigot is there, Dave and I won't be.

Only nephew that I'm not sure is on my side is the son of my bigot brother. Haven't seen that nephew in a decade or more; once he turned 18, he went back to his birth father and I lost track.

One important update that I've neglected to mention here, much to my surprise. I just reviewed my original story and saw my claim to not being obviously gay at least based on my CD collection. LOL, was I ever that young? Well, let's just say that 75% of Dave's and my CD collection is Broadway Cast Albums, but I was always into theater even when I was a closeted adult. I did theater all through high school, college, and for a few years after. I know musical theater is a gay stereotype, but Dave and I don't care. We love the arts and go to NYC for shows 3 or 4 times a year. A year or so after I met Dave, we went to a party. Dave knew most of the men there, and it turns out so did I. I was in the chorus of Guys and Dolls with them 10 years earlier. Some had suspected about me, some had also been closeted, but we were all out now. Small world.

In closing, I'd like to give some general advice that I would have loved to have read years ago. When I first came out, I showed this advice list to my psychologist (he did wonders for me, finally accepting myself.) He agreed with the entire list. Hope it helps you. . .

• You have to make the decision yourself. Having out friends to talk to can help, but don't let them pressure you. You're the only one that truly knows when you're ready to come out.
• OK, contrary to my first bit of advice, I will mention the closet can be lonely and I don't regret coming out one bit. While I won't advise you when to do it, if you're thinking you can be happy forever while hiding you're going to miss out on a lot of life. Yes, it's not easy to stop hiding. But it's WORTH IT!
• Be ready for bad reactions, but remember you are as you were born. The only choice is when to come out; there's absolutely no choice in being gay. No one in their right mind would choose to go through what we go through.
• Remember bad reactions are the other person's problem, not yours. Even with close family, you have to believe that you don't have a problem.
• When you decide to tell the family, especially your parents, have a book or some other reference available. Don't force it on them, but offer it to them so they can start their understanding process. I had the local PFLAG helpline number ready for my mom. When we come out of the closet, our families often crawl in out of ignorance. Be ready to educate them when they're ready, just remember to be patient. You're ending your confusion while there's just may be starting. (2002 Update: my mom is now 77 and still won't call PFLAG. But I still believe in the group. My mom accepts me, but worries too much and still thinks it's a choice. Be prepared for that, but don't back down.)
• Outting yourself is actually the easy part. I found it more challenging to learn how to live as an openly gay man. Learning to adapt to the gay society I hid from for so long. It's more work than I suspected, but I'm having a lot of fun and making a lot of new friends.
• Once you're Out, stop hiding whenever possible. I live near Washington, DC, so I admit it's easier for me to put a pride sticker in my car, out myself at work, hold a guys hand in public... I'd go as far as to recommend moving to such an area if you can and think you'd be happier. Some may disagree with me...we need tolerance, and even moreso acceptance, everywhere. But for now I'm glad to be in one of the gay-friendlier areas of the country. Strength in numbers while we continue the fight.
• When you're out and ready, get involved. Search the internet for gay and lesbian organizations in your area. We will never end the fight if we try to hide from it. And you may be surprised your area has a GLBT group. You'll never know if you don't look.
• Don't be afraid to talk to a professional, especially if you've been in the closet a long time. Just make sure any therapist you choose doesn't think he can "cure" you...if you live in a metropolitan area you shouldn't have any trouble finding an openly gay thereapist like I did. There's no shame in looking for guidance. I saw a therapist for about three months, until he asked me what I was doing there since I seemed to be handling everything just fine. The world would be a better place if we had that guidance as children, so don't worry about looking for help now when you should have been taught how to deal with these feelings 5, 10, 15, or 20 or more years ago. And if it means anything, my therapist read this advice list and agreed with it. I may have just saved you $90 and hour.

If you'd like to comment, discuss, or just ask a question, feel free to e-mail dacoyle@dacoyle.com.

Dennis, out and proud